Weaning Woes

I absolutely LOVE weaning. Well, I should be more specific and say I absolutely love the IDEA of weaning. All those healthy foods and smiling mushy-faced babies gobbling and playing and giggling seems like a total hoot to me.

Unfortunately, what the books negate to mention is the cleaning up. Jeeeezo. I thought I did a lot of washings beforehand. Now I’ve got mini-tables, chairs, floors, floormats, faces, hands, bodies, cups, plates, onesies, bibs, weaning bibs, weaning spoons, weaning cups, walls, and other children to CLEAN. ALL before I try spooning mush into a ‘that-real-food-can-get-to-fuck’ mouth a few hours later.

Lawd have mercy 😰

Toddleritis

Where did my baby go? I’m sure he was a baby when I put him to bed last night?!

Now he is this wild animal who talks back and laughs wildly when I say ‘no’ and dramatically spits his food out because today it is ‘not nice’. 😳 Who made this animal and where did he come from? Who does he think he is?! 

Don’t get me wrong – he is absolutely HILARIOUS. The nonsense that he comes out with and the things he thinks up is ridiculous. My husband has capitalised on this by coaching him in some key phrases. Some of my favourites are:

  1. Hashtag fail!!!
  2. Ninja
  3. Check yo bad self
  4. Spot on
  5. Hack it DOWNNNN!!!!!

He will spiel these off rapidly one after the other and then shout ‘clapping!’ to his audience. 

He is an absolute gem but only when he gets exactly what he wants exactly when he wants it. Typical man really 😉

Surviving a sleep thief

FBI agents are trained how to survive torture. One such torture that they are trained to survive is sleep-deprivation. As are the CIA, MI6, and other such valued assets. Sleep-deprivation is a recognised form of torture – and here we are fumbling through motherhood being exposed to the same type (and often more prolonged versions) of sleep-torture. It actually physically hurts. 

Pre-baby, I used to think that every few weeks I needed a ‘duvet-day’ to recover from my “hectic week”. Ohhhh how I laugh now when I think of what my definition of tired was back then. I was a wee bit tired from working a bit and maybe going out for dinner once. 

Then I had a baby. A baby quite obviously trained in the art of sleep-deprivation torture. A baby who would not lie down would not sleep would not let me even think the thought of putting him down even for just a wee baby minute so I could stretch my arm out. Nope. It wasn’t happening. He tortured my husband and I for months. Our bones actually ached. We weren’t sure of our names anymore. We didn’t know what day it was. We couldn’t taste anything. And we promised that little tiny baby we’d do anything anything ANYTHING he’d ask of us if we could please just go and even look at the bed for 5 minutes.

But it wasn’t to be. 

So we worked in shifts, round the clock, often calling in my mum or sister to have a turn for a few hours. We survived on 2-3 hours sleep for the first few months. It was absolute torture. But people kept telling me it would pass. And I knew that. But in those dark moments, especially at 4am when I was all alone and singing or shushing or sitting watching re-runs of the Kardashians it could get lonely and it was hard. And I’d Google why my baby was the only baby in the whole world that was awake? And Google told me it was normal and that it would pass. So I believed it (who’s to question Google at 4am?!). 

Fortunately Google was right. A loooooong few months passed (18 to be precise) but I survived. And now he does sleep. Occasionally. There is hope my friend – one day they’ll sleep well. And you’ll have been so well trained to not need sleep that you’ll never sleep again and instead spend the time awake worrying what’s wrong with your baby. 

Drink some wine and get some sleep. They’re fine and know exactly what they’re doing.  Little sleep thiefs. Just remember to get them back when they’re teenagers.

How to get your baby to sleep

I could write a book if I compiled every piece of information I’ve ever read on baby sleep. But instead, I’ve compiled a handy list of things to try. 

Please note: babies change their mind every few days or so – so be sure to try these techniques several times throughout their life incase they come round to the idea. 

  1. The best time to start a new sleep schedule technique is at 4am. Ideally everyone in the household is crying and you’ve frantically googled ‘get this fucking devil child to sleep’. At least one person will fall asleep by 8am. It probably won’t be you. But that’s not what you googled, so toughen up. 
  2. Keep the room cold. 
  3. Keep the room hot. 
  4. If in doubt – Calpol. They’re probably teething anyways. 
  5. Swaddle the child (but not their legs). Swaddling restricts movement – and just think how comfortable you’d be if someone kindly bound you so you couldn’t move. You’d drift right off to sleep, right?
  6. Play white noise. On repeat. With no gaps. This actually creepily works for the baby – but will make you desperately need to pee and feel frozen. Again, this isn’t about you. 
  7. Join lots of baby classes – particularly ones that start nice and early in the morning to tire the baby out. This will ensure that on the rare occasions you manage to make it to class you are blind with exhaustion and the baby will fall asleep as you’re walking in the door. But now you’re out the house so you can’t nap. Enjoy watching the twinkling lights whilst singing twinkle twinkle and not resenting your baby one little bit. 
  8. Eat lots of chocolate and drink alcohol. It’ll be the only thing that will make life worth living. The sugar might even give you a boost! 
  9. Feed the baby loads before sleep. This will help them sleep longer (that’s if you ever manage to get them to sleep). 
  10. Allow your child to distract you at bedtime with gurgles/giggles/smiles/stories. Yes they are wee shits and know exactly what they’re doing but it’s important to enjoy this brief moment as you’ll come to hate them over the next few hours. 
  11. Choose your ‘sleep song’ carefully. Make sure it is a song that you’re not emotionally attached to or that you’re unlikely to ever hear in public. You’ll come to loathe that song after the 1267th rendition and everytime you hear it you’ll yawn and want to fall asleep. The song will work – but only on you. 
  12. Make eye-contact. They’re cute – and as mentioned above – often at 3am their cuteness is the only thing keeping you going. 
  13. If you have lots of spare time on your hands and are well rested then definitely try putting them down drowsy but awake. This ensures they’ll scream, you’ll sigh at what an awful parent you are as everyone has recommended you do this, and then you get to pick them back up and start the entire routine again. Including getting them to stop wriggling. 
  14. Google lots of different ways to try to get your baby to sleep – absolutely none of them will work but at least it keeps things fresh – especially at 5am. 
  15. Lie about how much your baby sleeps – other new parents don’t need honesty and support. They need to feel like you do sleep and that they’re the bad parent because they can’t get their baby to sleep. Lie lie lie. A good lie to start with is ‘my 1-week-old already sleeps through the whole night’. Other parents love believing that. 
  16. Breast-pillows are best. If you breastfeed, or even if you don’t, everyone loves a breast-pillow (of the real-life flesh variety). Get your boobs out and snuggle up. Babies love sleeping on them and mummies love getting sleep. You will also have less laundry. Win-win-win. 
  17. Try everything and anything. And if you manage to do it at exactly the right time in the right place with the right person at the right angle with the right attitude – it might just work. But probably only for 20 minutes so get into bed and sleeeeeeep! 

Good luck! 

No means no

My toddler’s favourite thing to say to me is “mummy says ‘no means no'”. And I do. I believe it and I hope he believes it too. 

I try not to say it too often – and generally use it when safety is a concern (for example if I don’t want him climbing on something, running near the road etc). 

In other instances where I could say no I try my very best to use different phrases – for example ‘we’re not going to do that right now’ and try to give a reason for it. This way I hope when I do say no – he knows that mummy means no. And it’s not up for negotiation. 

How to survive parenthood

Being a parent is hard. Very hard indeed. Between sleepless nights, teething, and weaning, there’s also the barrage of absolutely useless and absolutely priceless information and advice you receive. Your mission, since you elected around 9-months ago to receive it, is to filter this advice/info and decipher exactly which category it falls into. No easy feat for a well-rested-recently-showered being, never mind you (in all your hungry, exhausted, confused glory). 

So now that my 20-month-old sleeps through 2 out of every 7 nights I’m very well-rested and have collated some of this advice here for your perusal. To read at 4am and add to the list of ‘shit we should do that’ or ‘is this idea a joke?!’. Enjoy. 

  1. You will receive a lot of advice. Listen to it all, and try to appreciate ALL babies are different. Babies are also mental and change their own normal every few days or so. So honestly, just nod along and listen to advice. Guaranteed nothing that works today will work tomorrow anyways. 
  2. Smile whilst silently cursing anyone who says ‘you need to put your baby down drowsy but awake’. Know that they are delusional and not worth the breath you require to inhale to reply to such ludicrous advice. Have they even met a baby?!
  3. Routine isn’t everything, but it also kinda is. Do not get your knickers in a twist if your baby is late to bed – this sets them up for the many inevitable nights this is going to happen. But do try to stick to a routine in that there is an order before bed. We do bath, toothbrushing, cream, pjs, 2 books, bed. And it allows the ever growing baby to wind down as they know what’s coming (regardless of whether we’re running to schedule or not). 
  4. Enjoy your baby. The nights and the days are long (especially at the beginning). But like many torture techniques – years afterwards your mind has blanked out this ordeal. And sadly many of your memories will be blanked out from this time-zone too. So try to take a moment once a day and just enjoy your baby and the way you are parenting. You are parenting to the best of your ability and that is truly ALL your baby needs. If they’re alive then you’re doing a good job. Well done. 
  5. Do not let your baby Cry It Out. They are primal beings. They are hard wired to act a certain way for necessity, not manipulation. If they cry it’s because they need something from you (for example love). So give it to them. 
  6. Forgive yourself. Everyone will tell you you’re doing it wrong. You’re not. Do what works and believe in yourself. 
  7. Don’t get stuck on the ‘no’ train. As important as it is to stick to your guns once you’ve said ‘no’, it’s also important to very occasionally allow a revaluation of the situation and let your child see that you can be flexible and listen to their needs. 
  8. Give yourself a break. It’s hard. Really hard. Take a break. Eat some cake and drink some wine and take a breath. You’ve got this. 

Cry It Out method and why it’s a load of nonsense

Who invented this? And were they mental?! 

Babies are primal beings. They grow from nothing to a fully-functioning baby in just 9 short months. When they are born they shut off their umbilical cord and take their first breath whilst closing over a valve in their heart. They are true miracles. But they’re primal miracles. Everything they do is an instinct. Everything is a reaction to a need. So who thought this crying thing that they do is a manipulation and needs to be ignored?! And how in hell have they sold so many books?! 

I shall tell you how – it gives parents their time back. It allows them to get back to watching their beloved tv shows (and often these tv shows need to be turned up so that they can’t hear the baby crying over them). It allows them in some twisted way to dominate the child and show it who’s boss (when really the baby needs a boss who cares for and caters for its needs). 

Cry It Out requires ‘training’ (though the word training upsets me as the child has no willingness to take part. ‘Torture’ would be more apt). There are various forms and options for this training which range from walking out and closing the door and not going back in to popping in and out in 1-minute intervals whilst not making eye-contact to pat the baby then walk out again. Is it just me that thinks this all sounds a bit mad?! A screaming baby and you’ve to ignore your instincts (which are primed to react perfectly to a crying baby) and refer to your handy guide-book for training intervals. No. No, no, no.

A plethora of studies have recently been released showing the startling negative effects the Cry It Out method has on babies. One study measured the levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) produced by babies and parents during Cry It Out (CIO) training. The study showed that the parent’s cortisol levels returned to normal almost immediately after the baby stopped crying, however the baby’s cortisol levels remained peaked for DAYS afterwards. This continuous level of stress hormone is surely dangerous and unhealthy for a baby. 

There are many studies similar to the one above – yet none similarly as solid with evidence to support CIO and suggest it is safe and caters to your baby’s needs. If you’re ever in doubt, go back to basics, listen to your baby and your needs. Are they stressed? Are you stressed? Then have a cuddle and soothe each other. As simple as that. Never mind all that CIO nonsense. 
Please note: taking a moment and stepping out of the room because you’re absolutely exhausted and need a few moments to gather your thoughts and will-power is perfectly safe and not the same as CIO. 

Breastfeeding tips for the mother of the baby who just won’t do it right 

  1. Do not listen to the nonsense some people tell you. You’ll know it’s nonsense because it’s strict advice and it will sound ridiculous and unmanageable. Do not do it. Experiment and discover what works for you in your own time. 
  2. Delete the YouTube breastfeeding videos. And the ‘handy’ free nhs clips. They are not handy – they are stress inducing. Your nipples are very probably not in the same place/position/angle/height/orientation as the perfect example you are seeing in the videos. Your baby is also probably not 3-months old – like the model baby in the videos. So don’t try to copy them as it probably won’t work. 
  3. Once you’ve discovered what works for one boob – you’ll get to try a whole host of different techniques for the other one. As above, just as your boobs are different from the lady’s in the video – they’re also different to each other. Great! 
  4. Fortunately, your baby comes with some kind of pretty cool in-built software that helps them know what they’re doing – so get your boobs out, lie down, and snuggle. Your baby will do the rest. Relax as much as possible – they’ll get there and find an angle that works for them. (Apparently a wee bit of crying in between crawling (yes crawling in a newborn!!) is normal.
  5. Do skin-to-skin immediately after birth and as much as you can for the weeks following. The baby thrives off of this and it helps to release hormones in both of you that will also encourage milk production. 
  6. Bottle feed to supplement. This has no effect on your success of breastfeeding. Of course always put baby to breast first to keep your production up but giving them a wee top-up of formula to give them energy/let them (and you!) sleep longer is a definite must. More rest will also help your milk come in. 
  7. Buy nipple cream. And lots of it. Lanolin is fabulous and a definite life-saver.
  8. Your milk might not come in straight away. I know some mums who’s milk came in before they’d left hospital, whereas mine took around 8 days to even appear. Again, don’t compare yourself to others. If you want it to work – it will. But bottle feeding is also great too. Feeding your baby is great – so do that in whichever way possible. 
  9. Can your baby stick its tongue out? Right out like an adult would (not just licking its lips)? If not, you might want to get it checked for a tongue-tie. Ask your health visitor for a referral asap (the sooner it’s discovered the sooner your baby can latch properly). If you’re not referred and still concerned your GP should be able to refer you. 
  10. Ask advice and push for what you believe in – 9 out of 10 times you’ll be right (and the other 1/10 can easily be blamed on sleep deprivation). 
  11. I wasn’t lucky enough (nor have I met any woman who was) to get a baby who slowly tilted their head back with a nice wide open mouth. So I’m not sure what use that advice is. 
  12. It probably won’t happen overnight. Give yourself a break. If all goes well it might take few weeks. If it’s a little bit harder it might take months (tho at times will get easier and you’ll get a wee boost). It took me 4.5 months on my weaker side 😳 but much faster on my ‘mega-boob’ (as it came to be known) so I was encouraged to persevere. 
  13. Persevere, persevere, persevere. You’ll get there. But it’ll take time. And it’s definitely worth it.