Surviving a sleep thief

FBI agents are trained how to survive torture. One such torture that they are trained to survive is sleep-deprivation. As are the CIA, MI6, and other such valued assets. Sleep-deprivation is a recognised form of torture – and here we are fumbling through motherhood being exposed to the same type (and often more prolonged versions) of sleep-torture. It actually physically hurts.

Pre-baby, I used to think that every few weeks I needed a ‘duvet-day’ to recover from my “hectic week”. Ohhhh how I laugh now when I think of what my definition of tired was back then. I was a wee bit tired from working a bit and maybe going out for dinner once.

Then I had a baby. A baby quite obviously trained in the art of sleep-deprivation torture. A baby who would not lie down would not sleep would not let me even think the thought of putting him down even for just a wee baby minute so I could stretch my arm out. Nope. It wasn’t happening. He tortured my husband and I for months. Our bones actually ached. We weren’t sure of our names anymore. We didn’t know what day it was. We couldn’t taste anything. And we promised that little tiny baby we’d do anything anything ANYTHING he’d ask of us if we could please just go and even look at the bed for 5 minutes.

But it wasn’t to be.

So we worked in shifts, round the clock, often calling in my mum or sister to have a turn for a few hours. We survived on 2-3 hours sleep for the first few months. It was absolute torture. But people kept telling me it would pass. And I knew that. But in those dark moments, especially at 4am when I was all alone and singing or shushing or sitting watching re-runs of the Kardashians it could get lonely and it was hard. And I’d Google why my baby was the only baby in the whole world that was awake? And Google told me it was normal and that it would pass. So I believed it (who’s to question Google at 4am?!).

Fortunately Google was right. A loooooong few months passed (18 to be precise) but I survived. And now he does sleep. Occasionally. There is hope my friend – one day they’ll sleep well. And you’ll have been so well trained to not need sleep that you’ll never sleep again and instead spend the time awake worrying what’s wrong with your baby.

Drink some wine and get some sleep. They’re fine and know exactly what they’re doing. Little sleep thiefs. Just remember to get them back when they’re teenagers.

How to get your baby to sleep

I could write a book if I compiled every piece of information I’ve ever read on baby sleep. But instead, I’ve compiled a handy list of things to try.

Please note: babies change their mind every few days or so – so be sure to try these techniques several times throughout their life incase they come round to the idea.

The best time to start a new sleep schedule technique is at 4am. Ideally everyone in the household is crying and you’ve frantically googled ‘get this fucking devil child to sleep’. At least one person will fall asleep by 8am. It probably won’t be you. But that’s not what you googled, so toughen up.
Keep the room cold.
Keep the room hot.
If in doubt – Calpol. They’re probably teething anyways.
Swaddle the child (but not their legs). Swaddling restricts movement – and just think how comfortable you’d be if someone kindly bound you so you couldn’t move. You’d drift right off to sleep, right?
Play white noise. On repeat. With no gaps. This actually creepily works for the baby – but will make you desperately need to pee and feel frozen. Again, this isn’t about you.
Join lots of baby classes – particularly ones that start nice and early in the morning to tire the baby out. This will ensure that on the rare occasions you manage to make it to class you are blind with exhaustion and the baby will fall asleep as you’re walking in the door. But now you’re out the house so you can’t nap. Enjoy watching the twinkling lights whilst singing twinkle twinkle and not resenting your baby one little bit.
Eat lots of chocolate and drink alcohol. It’ll be the only thing that will make life worth living. The sugar might even give you a boost!
Feed the baby loads before sleep. This will help them sleep longer (that’s if you ever manage to get them to sleep).
Allow your child to distract you at bedtime with gurgles/giggles/smiles/stories. Yes they are wee shits and know exactly what they’re doing but it’s important to enjoy this brief moment as you’ll come to hate them over the next few hours.
Choose your ‘sleep song’ carefully. Make sure it is a song that you’re not emotionally attached to or that you’re unlikely to ever hear in public. You’ll come to loathe that song after the 1267th rendition and everytime you hear it you’ll yawn and want to fall asleep. The song will work – but only on you.
Make eye-contact. They’re cute – and as mentioned above – often at 3am their cuteness is the only thing keeping you going.
If you have lots of spare time on your hands and are well rested then definitely try putting them down drowsy but awake. This ensures they’ll scream, you’ll sigh at what an awful parent you are as everyone has recommended you do this, and then you get to pick them back up and start the entire routine again. Including getting them to stop wriggling.
Google lots of different ways to try to get your baby to sleep – absolutely none of them will work but at least it keeps things fresh – especially at 5am.
Lie about how much your baby sleeps – other new parents don’t need honesty and support. They need to feel like you do sleep and that they’re the bad parent because they can’t get their baby to sleep. Lie lie lie. A good lie to start with is ‘my 1-week-old already sleeps through the whole night’. Other parents love believing that.
Breast-pillows are best. If you breastfeed, or even if you don’t, everyone loves a breast-pillow (of the real-life flesh variety). Get your boobs out and snuggle up. Babies love sleeping on them and mummies love getting sleep. You will also have less laundry. Win-win-win.
Try everything and anything. And if you manage to do it at exactly the right time in the right place with the right person at the right angle with the right attitude – it might just work. But probably only for 20 minutes so get into bed and sleeeeeeep!

Good luck!

How to survive parenthood

Being a parent is hard. Very hard indeed. Between sleepless nights, teething, and weaning, there’s also the barrage of absolutely useless and absolutely priceless information and advice you receive. Your mission, since you elected around 9-months ago to receive it, is to filter this advice/info and decipher exactly which category it falls into. No easy feat for a well-rested-recently-showered being, never mind you (in all your hungry, exhausted, confused glory).

So now that my 20-month-old sleeps through 2 out of every 7 nights I’m very well-rested and have collated some of this advice here for your perusal. To read at 4am and add to the list of ‘shit we should do that’ or ‘is this idea a joke?!’. Enjoy.

You will receive a lot of advice. Listen to it all, and try to appreciate ALL babies are different. Babies are also mental and change their own normal every few days or so. So honestly, just nod along and listen to advice. Guaranteed nothing that works today will work tomorrow anyways.
Smile whilst silently cursing anyone who says ‘you need to put your baby down drowsy but awake’. Know that they are delusional and not worth the breath you require to inhale to reply to such ludicrous advice. Have they even met a baby?!
Routine isn’t everything, but it also kinda is. Do not get your knickers in a twist if your baby is late to bed – this sets them up for the many inevitable nights this is going to happen. But do try to stick to a routine in that there is an order before bed. We do bath, toothbrushing, cream, pjs, 2 books, bed. And it allows the ever growing baby to wind down as they know what’s coming (regardless of whether we’re running to schedule or not).
Enjoy your baby. The nights and the days are long (especially at the beginning). But like many torture techniques – years afterwards your mind has blanked out this ordeal. And sadly many of your memories will be blanked out from this time-zone too. So try to take a moment once a day and just enjoy your baby and the way you are parenting. You are parenting to the best of your ability and that is truly ALL your baby needs. If they’re alive then you’re doing a good job. Well done.
Do not let your baby Cry It Out. They are primal beings. They are hard wired to act a certain way for necessity, not manipulation. If they cry it’s because they need something from you (for example love). So give it to them.
Forgive yourself. Everyone will tell you you’re doing it wrong. You’re not. Do what works and believe in yourself.
Don’t get stuck on the ‘no’ train. As important as it is to stick to your guns once you’ve said ‘no’, it’s also important to very occasionally allow a revaluation of the situation and let your child see that you can be flexible and listen to their needs.
Give yourself a break. It’s hard. Really hard. Take a break. Eat some cake and drink some wine and take a breath. You’ve got this.

Cry It Out method and why it’s a load of nonsense

Who invented this? And were they mental?!

Babies are primal beings. They grow from nothing to a fully-functioning baby in just 9 short months. When they are born they shut off their umbilical cord and take their first breath whilst closing over a valve in their heart. They are true miracles. But they’re primal miracles. Everything they do is an instinct. Everything is a reaction to a need. So who thought this crying thing that they do is a manipulation and needs to be ignored?! And how in hell have they sold so many books?!

I shall tell you how – it gives parents their time back. It allows them to get back to watching their beloved tv shows (and often these tv shows need to be turned up so that they can’t hear the baby crying over them). It allows them in some twisted way to dominate the child and show it who’s boss (when really the baby needs a boss who cares for and caters for its needs).

Cry It Out requires ‘training’ (though the word training upsets me as the child has no willingness to take part. ‘Torture’ would be more apt). There are various forms and options for this training which range from walking out and closing the door and not going back in to popping in and out in 1-minute intervals whilst not making eye-contact to pat the baby then walk out again. Is it just me that thinks this all sounds a bit mad?! A screaming baby and you’ve to ignore your instincts (which are primed to react perfectly to a crying baby) and refer to your handy guide-book for training intervals. No. No, no, no.

A plethora of studies have recently been released showing the startling negative effects the Cry It Out method has on babies. One study measured the levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) produced by babies and parents during Cry It Out (CIO) training. The study showed that the parent’s cortisol levels returned to normal almost immediately after the baby stopped crying, however the baby’s cortisol levels remained peaked for DAYS afterwards. This continuous level of stress hormone is surely dangerous and unhealthy for a baby.

There are many studies similar to the one above – yet none similarly as solid with evidence to support CIO and suggest it is safe and caters to your baby’s needs. If you’re ever in doubt, go back to basics, listen to your baby and your needs. Are they stressed? Are you stressed? Then have a cuddle and soothe each other. As simple as that. Never mind all that CIO nonsense.
Please note: taking a moment and stepping out of the room because you’re absolutely exhausted and need a few moments to gather your thoughts and will-power is perfectly safe and not the same as CIO.

Breastfeeding tips for the mother of the baby who just won’t do it right

Do not listen to the nonsense some people tell you. You’ll know it’s nonsense because it’s strict advice and it will sound ridiculous and unmanageable. Do not do it. Experiment and discover what works for you in your own time.
Delete the YouTube breastfeeding videos. And the ‘handy’ free nhs clips. They are not handy – they are stress inducing. Your nipples are very probably not in the same place/position/angle/height/orientation as the perfect example you are seeing in the videos. Your baby is also probably not 3-months old – like the model baby in the videos. So don’t try to copy them as it probably won’t work.
Once you’ve discovered what works for one boob – you’ll get to try a whole host of different techniques for the other one. As above, just as your boobs are different from the lady’s in the video – they’re also different to each other. Great!
Fortunately, your baby comes with some kind of pretty cool in-built software that helps them know what they’re doing – so get your boobs out, lie down, and snuggle. Your baby will do the rest. Relax as much as possible – they’ll get there and find an angle that works for them. (Apparently a wee bit of crying in between crawling (yes crawling in a newborn!!) is normal.
Do skin-to-skin immediately after birth and as much as you can for the weeks following. The baby thrives off of this and it helps to release hormones in both of you that will also encourage milk production.
Bottle feed to supplement. This has no effect on your success of breastfeeding. Of course always put baby to breast first to keep your production up but giving them a wee top-up of formula to give them energy/let them (and you!) sleep longer is a definite must. More rest will also help your milk come in.
Buy nipple cream. And lots of it. Lanolin is fabulous and a definite life-saver.
Your milk might not come in straight away. I know some mums who’s milk came in before they’d left hospital, whereas mine took around 8 days to even appear. Again, don’t compare yourself to others. If you want it to work – it will. But bottle feeding is also great too. Feeding your baby is great – so do that in whichever way possible.
Can your baby stick its tongue out? Right out like an adult would (not just licking its lips)? If not, you might want to get it checked for a tongue-tie. Ask your health visitor for a referral asap (the sooner it’s discovered the sooner your baby can latch properly). If you’re not referred and still concerned your GP should be able to refer you.
Ask advice and push for what you believe in – 9 out of 10 times you’ll be right (and the other 1/10 can easily be blamed on sleep deprivation).
I wasn’t lucky enough (nor have I met any woman who was) to get a baby who slowly tilted their head back with a nice wide open mouth. So I’m not sure what use that advice is.
It probably won’t happen overnight. Give yourself a break. If all goes well it might take few weeks. If it’s a little bit harder it might take months (tho at times will get easier and you’ll get a wee boost). It took me 4.5 months on my weaker side 😳 but much faster on my ‘mega-boob’ (as it came to be known) so I was encouraged to persevere.
Persevere, persevere, persevere. You’ll get there. But it’ll take time. And it’s definitely worth it.

Travelling with baby

My babe is nearly 11-months old and we decided to take him on his first family holiday to the far side of Canada. That’s a one-hour flight to Amsterdam then a 10-hour flight to Vancouver, plus all the transfers and waiting around. Cue the panic!

In preparation for the flight I decided to create a goody-bag for entertainment. It worked an absolute treat – and managed to entertain him for the full 19-hours of travel, for which he chose to sleep for one hour of that! So I thought I’d share some of the things that worked – in the hope they might work for you. I know for a fact it worked well because at one point my husband set up an impromptu-involuntary crèche in a corner where 4 other children came to play as we were so well prepared. Check me! Parenting win! 😊

Most of the items came from the poundshop – so don’t spend too much money on things. I also didn’t show my baby most of the items so they were new and exciting for him to discover.

Hessian sack (for carrying toys, but doesn’t show dirt)
Laminated flash cards (at the moment he loves crackling, bending & chewing them)
Blusher brushes (he looooves these – feeling the bristles on his palms and cheeks and also doing it to others)
Chew toys (in bright colours)
Cars & trucks (great for rolling away and around floors)
Lego/Duplo (great for clanging together and building blocks)
Finger puppet
Jelly phone case (for chewing)
Carabiners (great for chewing, clanging, and unfankling)
Cuddly toy (cheap so doesn’t matter if lost on a plane)
Balls (for rolling – including lighting-up and flashing)
Baking spatulas (great for chewing and sensory play)
Books (for reading & calm play)

We got so much use out of this bag – even using it in every hotel room and for longer car journeys.

Happy travelling!

Breastfeeding Tips

I had hoped to be a magical pregnancy unicorn. Everyone else around me was and I’d practised waddling like a pregnant lady since I was little so I was pretty sure my body was prepared for what lay ahead. It wasn’t. It broke me (quite literally in two).

So, I thought, okay okay post-birth will be my thang. I’ll nail this breastfeeding malarkey. Naht. Not to be. Where’s the fun in that?

However what my body didn’t know is that this was mind over matter. This wasn’t a pelvis splitting, or vomiting up everything I ate, or a massive hernia becoming overly distended. I could control this.

And sure enough, 4.5 months later (that’s 18 weeks, 139 days, or more appropriately (since I awake for 3331 of them) 3336 hours) I had endured hell, but I had succeeded. Screw you body. I win.

For 3336 hours I had sat, primarily top-naked, baby in one hand and boob in the other and tried technique after recommendation after theory after YouTube clip. I tried everything I could get my hands on. And unfortunately everything that combined to work didn’t come from the same site. So, here is a list of facts about breastfeeding that I personally found useful. I hope one of them helps you too.

1. Get naked. Get your baby naked (nappy optional). Have constant skin-to-skin. In my rush to make everything perfect I got too clinical too quickly. Relax and snuggle with your baby – it’s miraculous what this does for your hormones.

2. Do not sit up straight whilst relaxing your shoulders – this is virtually impossible. Instead, find an angle that works for you and your baby simultaneously (fyi the perfect angle is different for everyone).

3. Try lying down. I got so exhausted and overwhelmed with instructions that I lay down through pure necessity. And it was spectacular. Lying down gave the baby room and scope to wriggle and make himself comfortable – I wasn’t holding him or tilting him or manipulating him into a ridiculous position – he simply did what made him happy. Ultimately that’s what made breastfeeding work for us.

4. Drink loads of milk. Not because it’ll go straight into your boobs but because it’ll keep you hydrated and provide you with vital protein.

5. Your baby will most likely not tilt his/her head back like the ones in the ‘helpful’ breastfeeding videos. Your baby is a newborn and not a 3-month-old breastfeeding veteran. So don’t hold your breathe for that bloody head-tilt.

6. Squeeze your boob. Cup your hand under your boob and make it more vertical-sandwich-shaped to go along with your baby’s mouth (i.e. don’t squeeze from the side in the classic C-shape as this just makes it even more awkward to fit into your baby’s mouth). Squeeze as it increases milk flow and will help your baby learn that they’re getting there.

7. Bottle feed to supplement if your baby needs it. This will give them extra energy for breastfeeding, not detract from successful feeding. They love their mama and will do anything to be close to you so don’t worry about confusion. They’ve just been born screaming into this world – they’re pretty good at accepting most things as the norm.

8. Be prepared for the hormone dump. Day 5 perfectly combines dumping every hormone your body can find on you causing you to be extraordinarily unstable whilst being the number of days by which your baby should be putting on weight. This can result in your midwife telling you that you are ‘starving your baby’ and ‘he’s crying because of you’. Neither of these statements are helpful and when sleep deprived and hormone dumped it is impossible to cope with. Give your baby a bottle, go for a nap, and start the day again. Go back to point number 1.

9. Get a new midwife if your current one is useless.

10. Have patience. Lots and lots of it. Breastfeeding won’t happen straight away, but it will happen if you persevere. Keep going. Try loads of different things and see what works. Unfortunately something that works one day might not work the next – but that statement is true for all things baby-related. And breastfeeding is no different.

11. Don’t feel guilty about Facebook stalking or keeping up with the kardashians whilst breastfeeding. I literally NEVER put my baby down (even popping to the loo was a mission) so I needed something to ease the mind-numbing stillness and searing pain that is the first few weeks of breastfeeding.

12. It hurts. Not necessarily sharp but like a grating pain over and over and it can get too much – especially at the 23rd hour of the day. Use lanolin. It’s magical.

13. It gets better. A lot better. And it is truly wonderful. Don’t ever think you can’t do it – everyone can. It’s just a matter of how hard you try. And if you want it – it’ll happen. Though if you fancy/end up bottle feeding that’s cool too. Don’t be hard on yourself – you’re feeding your baby and that’s what counts.

Keep your opinions to yourself please

I’m just back from the nurse, getting ‘that three yearly plastic poker thing’ (i.e. Cervical Smear) done. Naturally, I wasn’t looking forward to it.

However, surprisingly it wasn’t the plastic that was the most painful experience of my ordeal.

It was the part where the nurse decided to keep me hostage and explain to me for 20 minutes that I should stop breastfeeding my 10-month-old son and that he should be sleeping through the night and in his own bed. The icing on the cake however, was when she suggested I call my health visitor for tips (FYI my health visitor suggests not only do I breastfeed but that I express on top of this to provide milk for my son’s cereal, and any other meal that requires milk). So, no, I will not be calling my health visitor. Nor will I be taking your unsolicited advice.

Crazy lady.

Luckily I’ve had 10-months to get used to people piling advice on top of me, so I’m now excellent at not accepting it, smiling, and moving on. Life’s too short and babies grow up far too quickly to worry about co-sleeping and how often they feed. I love it and so does he, so no need for you to get your knickers in a twist, dear.

Welcome to Guilthood.

I think Parenthood should be renamed. It should be named Clueless-ville or Guilt-hood or Why-does-that-not-work-it-worked-last-night-hood. Self-help books and helpful people who state ‘my sister’s aunt’s friend’s cousin’s baby does this…’ need to leave me alone.

I constantly feel guilty. For everything and anything. Maybe I’m not giving my baby enough tummy time? Maybe I should rock him and walk him more to soothe him? Maybe I should leave him to self-soothe more often?

I worry that I give calpol too easily then worry that I’ve not given it soon enough as when it works I know he was obviously in pain. I worry all the time. And apparently it never gets any easier.

I worry that I don’t sing to him enough or that I’m not teaching him the alphabet (he’s 9 months old). But maybe I should leave him to play alone more often so that he becomes more independent? Or maybe that’s just cruel and unnecessary?

For every decision I make, there’s countless other options I could’ve chosen. How on earth do I know if I’ve made the right one?!

So I’ve decided to change this. I’ve decided to start believing in myself. To know that I don’t make any decision lightly and to overanalyse every last detail so that when I finally do make a decision I know it’s the right one for me and my baby.

I understand (and grudgingly accept) that some children are Gina Ford babies. I also know that some babies (i.e. mine) are not to be messed with and will not, under no uncertain circumstances, be Gina Forded.

However, to me, my baby is just perfect the way he is. Yeh, he keeps me up at night – but I relish the fact I get to spend just a few extra moments snuggling with him and living in the moment.

He’s wild and energetic and seems to just absorb attention, but he is also lovely and intelligent and a little charmer. So I must be doing something right. Right?!

Welcome to Guilthood. Once you get over the guilt, life is pretty bloody fabulous.

Things I’ll never do…

Having studied developmental psychology, having a postgraduate qualification in primary education, and having always surrounded myself with children and childcare, I was pretty certain I would have this parenting malarkey nailed.

Not so.

So, for a laugh (at myself in a few years down the line), I thought I’d make a list of Things I’ll Never Do with/to/at my child. He’s 9 months at the moment and so far I have already:

Co-slept every night since he was 5-weeks old (after my husband and I were blind with exhaustion due to staying awake in shifts for a baby who WOULD NOT LIE ON HIS BACK IN HIS OWN BED. Trust me, we tried.).
Used a dummy as a pacifier (subsequently the baby rejected it at a few weeks old. If you have the option – force it upon your baby – otherwise, like myself, your nipples will become pacifiers. Ouch.).
Given him Calpol as I was ‘pretty sure he has teething pain’. Regardless, it worked and he calmed down.

Things I still plan on doing/being good at (but fully appreciate this may never be the case having now met my child):

Explaining things as fully as possible (for the situation) when he asks ‘Why?’.
Not pacifying him by giving him sweets/crisps/toys when he starts to lose his shit in the supermarket.
Be relaxed every mealtime and not stress about eating ‘one more spoonful’.
Not using TV as a reward.
Not getting stressed out during his meltdowns.
Ensuring he’s well behaved when I take him to restaurants.
Signing with him and expanding our vocabulary to help him communicate.
Take him seriously when he seems ill rather than assume he’s being dramatic.
Be well prepared for all eventualities and have a bag packed full of all the things I need.